I don't understand, I really don't.

 

I put in so much effort into getting things done, but everything seems to be falling apart and I find myself slowly sinking in and becoming something that I never wanted to be.

 

I've been so negative lately, it's actually scaring me.

 

I'm amazed at how I can curse so well when I use to hold back those words because I don't like doing such things, even to people I find pathetic. But now, I find myself cursing when I don't get things my way, when things are out of hand, when I get annoyed by the little things that life throws at me.

 

And I begin to hate myself even more, with each new day.

 

It's been so difficult to sleep these days, but surprisingly easy to awake. I don't get it. I don't get enough sleep, and yet, I'm trying to function and survive with the little that I've got.

 

I'm so tired, I really am. I really am drained and pushed to my limits. I have nothing else to offer, and I'm sorry that I'm not living up to your high expectations because I'm just not good enough.

 

I hate feeling this way. I hate it when people make me feel like a complete fool.

 

You know how I'd rather someone tell me what to do and how to go about doing it, then be sarcastic and inject weird, stupid and extremely irrelevant comments into everything you say? I REALLY HATE IT! I'm asking a question because I'm not sure how things should go, ANSWER ME! DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING! It pisses me off more than anything.

 

I don't understand. How much more must I do in order for things to fall into place?

 

You have no freaking idea how much effort I put into doing each and every of my assignment. And the grades and unnecessary comments are just driving me insane. I need feedback, I need to know where I'm going right and wrong. I need to know, I NEED TO!

 

I don't understand how people can constantly take me for a ride. Am I a fucking joke to you?

 

Come on! I'm only human, and I have feelings just like any of you do. And it hurts me more than anything when I begin to doubt myself and when I start venting my anger on the people that matter to me. I hate myself when I do that, yet I have no avenue that I can do so to vent all these frustrations that I've kept hidden inside.

 

I'm so tired of trying to figure things out. I'm so tired of the people who never fail to make me feel like shit. I'm so tired of trying to makes sense when nothing does. I'm so tired of people who are becoming increasingly rude towards me.

 

I'm not a toy, I'm not an object. I'm made of flesh and blood.

 

Please do not do what you do not want others to do to you.

You have feelings, so do I.

I know that success shouldn't be determined by how well I do academically. But today, my confidence took a dip and I cannot believe how stupid and incompetent I actually am.

 

I didn't know it would be this difficult to deal with such a blow. I should have known better, I shouldn't have expected. All I'm left with now, is the feeling of complete stupidity and emptiness because I don't even know how to describe the rage that I am feeling. Am I wrong to feel this way?

 

I don't know. I don't understand.

 

Why do people find joy in making others' life miserable? Are we really so worthless to such extents that you have to continuously degrade us? I don't understand, I really don't. What is it that you want from me?

 

I've got no social life, I put all my plans on hold, I give up on things that would make me happy, I dedicate my weekdays and weekends in hope that I would do well, and look at where I'm going. down

 

My confidence is at an all time low and I feel like complete shit. My life is in utter mess. I don't know what to make out of this. I find it hard to find reasons and I honestly am struggling, with myself, with the grades I see, with everything.

 

It just gets so difficult and depressing.

 

I feel that my hard work is never going to pay off and I've put in so much time and effort only to see it go to waste. What am I doing to myself? Is this what I wanted in the first place?

 

I'm so tired, I really am. And it gets more difficult with each new day. Everyday I tell myself that "tomorrow will be better", but no longer.

 

For now, I can't get to sleep at all. Everyday I wake up with mixed feelings. I really hope that the day would be better than yesterday but time and again, I feel as though my world is about to crash. I've become so negative that I begin to hate myself for who I am. I feel like a complete loser, each and every day. I'm beginning to curse at people who annoy the living daylights out of me, after not doing it for the longest time.

 

What has university done to me? What has higher education done to me? I don't think I've added much value to myself. Instead, I find myself degrading this very being that I am. And it scares me to think this way.

 

Today is just not my day, really. If everyday is going to be like today, then I'll gladly opt myself out.

 

I'm so sick and tired of lying to myself, and thinking that things are fine when it obviously isn't. 

This article, 19 sobering truths about friendship you need to accept in your 20s on Thought Catalog deserves a standing ovation.

1. The people who you thought would be there for you when it counted are not always going to be there. Sometimes because they quite literally cannot be there, other times because they just don't want to (anymore).

Like 80% of the time. People come and go, and you really don't know who you should retain or otherwise just ignore and forgo. And it's difficult, but it comes to a point where you don't bother anymore. You're too tired of all that comes your way, you no longer care.

2. The same will go for you - you're not always going to (want to) be there for people who need you too.

I won't say I'm the best of friend or the person that anyone would turn to all the time, but I try. Unless people turn their backs on me, I would still be there fore them as long as they are in need of me.

3. Some of your friends will be more successful than you. And you will be more successful than some of your friends. And this will change over time depending on everyone's life situation, path and sheer dumb luck.

How true it is. But how do we measure success in this academically oriented society? How about those who leave the educational arena to pursue greener pastures? What is success?

4.  You will feel like people you've known for years don't know you at all anymore (and you don't know them either). You will also feel like people you've met for five minutes just "get you." And it'll be a strange, complex feeling you're not quite sure how to handle all the time.

Not always, but sometimes. I'm not sociable and I don't open up to people until a lot later. But when I meet someone I instantly click with, I get scared. I'm afraid that I might trust the person with too much secrets and so, I tend to pull myself further away. This way, I'm able to reduce the amount of pain I receive when things go wrong.
 

 5. You're not always going to like the people your friends are dating, building relationships with, and even marrying. They might feel the same way about the people you're with too. Deal with it.

I judge people, I obviously do. Everyone does. But I keep my comments to myself unless I'm left with no choice but to blurt whatever negative comments I have towards someone. Don't provoke me either, it'll only make things worse.

6. You will eventually realise that some of your friendships were one-sided. It's heart breaking but any kind of love has to be a two-way street for it to work. Let go of these people and feel free.

I tend to distance myself when I begin to feel a barrier in any relationship because it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. And as much as I want to know what is happening or why things turn out this way, I tend to just keep it to myself and pray with all my might that things will get better. After all, it's up to us how things go.

7. If someone keeps telling you they're "too busy", eventually you have to take this as a sign that they're too busy for you. The friends who mattered made time for me, and I did for them. "Being busy" is legitimate until it's not anymore and you'll know when it's not.

Sometimes, I'm just genuinely busy. Like there's so much work to do, so much that needs to be done. I honestly hardly ever have time for myself and I dread going out because it makes me feel guilty that I'm not doing anything productive when I have so much that requires my attention. Sometimes, I'm just running away from people that I don't see the need to meet, and so I cook up countless excuses just so that I can stay in my own comfort zone.

But when this happens to me, especially if the person matters so much, I crumble. I feel so though I'm worthless. I'll wallow in self-pity but pick myself up again. After all, what is life without such challenges.

8. You're not going to feel as close to certain people as you once did. You might still love them and even enjoy their company. But you won't be as close as you once were.

#truestory There's no need to even talk about it. It's so evident, and 'in your face'.

9. Your old friends will always be a mirror for you to see how far you've come. And I mean those friends who've seen you through the different stages of your life thus far. You will need that mirror to keep perspective.

I don't think that old friends are your mirror, but if you're close enough, they act as your guide through life. It's like, every now and then you need someone to reach out to you, and these friends that you hold so close to your heart, are the ones that you can fall back on. So they're more like a lifebuoy instead of a mirror. You don't have to be like them, you need them to sustain yourself.

10. You will grow apart from a handful of friends because it's not that people change per se, but their interests and lives change. (But yes, they change too and so do you.)

We all change, period. You'll just realise that some people are worth fighting for.

11. Some of your friends will get married and have babies before you've even figured out how to have a "normal" relationship. It's up to you and them whether this will be a barrier to your friendship.

I think marriage affects the friendship/relationship in some way because you always have to give in to the other party? I don't know. I don't like kids, and I hate hanging out with friends who are parents because they tend to nag, A LOT, for whatever reasons.

12. That said, if you're single, you'll likely spend more time with your single friends. If you're in a relationship, you'll likely spend more time with friends who are in relationships too. It's not necessarily intentional; it's just the law of social networks.

I beg to differ. I find comfort hanging out with anyone who's able to make me feel comfortable and reduce the awkwardness. It doesn't matter whether you're attached or not, nobody cares when it comes to hanging out and such.

13. Your close friends will make good friends with other people and you'll feel like you're in junior high for being envious about it. And sometimes it won't all be in your head, people get competitive about friendships. The best thing you can do is not get caught up in anything of the sort.

#guilty But I respect that everyone is entitled to make their own friends, even the people who are that important to me.

14. Some of the people you'll "hang out" with aren't the same friends who you will call up at 4am. Know the difference and respect the fact that everyone needs someone to grab a beer with as much as they need a shoulder to cry on. Yes, one is more important than the other. And if you find a friend who can do both, cherish them.

TOO TRUE! Some people just mean the world to you while others are just soaking in your light. *dim the lights* I'm just glad that I have someone to call at whatever time, and I know they won't scream at me, and someone that I can cry buckets and pour out my sorrow.

15. That being said, it is still better to have two or three solid friends you can count on than a host of people who won't be there for you when it really matters.

Amen to this. I don't get how some people can tell the whole world their secrets, I never will. That being said, I remain eternally grateful for having that handful of people that I can turn to when I'm most in need of someone. Thank you my precious ones.

16. You have to really work at a friendship once you're not spoiled by knowing you will see them in class or at home. You have to make the effort or you will sooner or later find yourself without the support group of friends you once had. People will move on.

I cannot reiterate this point any further. I absolutely abhor people who make use to me for their academic benefit and then throw me aside when they're done. IT'S LIKE, BITCH, DO I BLOODY OWE YOU A LIVING!

17. If you can't hold onto your friends, it's not always them. Sometimes it's not everyone else, it's you. In order to have good friends, you have to be a good friend. If you are, you will always find true friendships wherever you go.

I don't need a truck load of friends, just that very few that I can count on, on a daily basis, from different places. The number of friends you make at one place doesn't determine the quality of friends in another.

18. Some friendships just die. That's the truth of it. Don't try to fight it. don't let it make you angry. Don't blame yourself or the other person or circumstance or anything else. Accept it for what it is.

I'm trying, but sometimes it's just so difficult. It's not easy to say, it's okay! Let's just move on with our lives. I'm just not that nice.

19. You need to make friends with yourself. There will be certain times in your life that it'll feel like you're all you've got. And when those times come, you have to be enough to get by.

#storyofmylife But then again, I love having alone time.

Till the next time I find an inspiration to blog.

x,

It's safe to say that I've never really been lucky throughout this life time. Maybe once, or twice, at most thrice? But that's good enough for me.

 

I've been so unlucky all the time that I've become so accustomed to it, it hardly ever matters. It's like I'm a magnet towards all the bad luck that life brings. But that's okay, I'm all used to it now.

 

I sigh every now and then, wondering if I've made good decision, if I would live to regret the things I do. But then again, if we don't try, we'll just regret the chances we didn't take. I think it's worse that way then it is right now.

 

Because of my lack of luck, I try to be as positive towards life as I can be. But somehow or rather, it's like I attract negative people that never seem to dampen my spirit. It's like, I can soak in the atmosphere of anger and negativity every once in a while, but being in such an environment sucks my energy. And as much as I try or even want to be positive, I cannot seem to be able to do so.

 

I get disappointed with myself every once in a while for not being able to control my emotions. I used to be very good at it, but somehow, I've learnt and adapted to my surroundings. And it's scaring me. Being too comfortable with anything scares me because nothing in this life is constant. And I hate changes, I really do.

 

I hate changes made to the dynamics and structure that has been put in place. I'm just afraid of losing what I have because loss has never been anything easy that we can deal with.

 

Despite all the unluckiness that has come my way, I'm glad that I always have people to fall back on. My family that means the world to me although we tend to be rude towards one another and take each other for granted just because we think that we'll always have each other around. (We obviously know life doesn't work that way, but we still act the way we do.)

 

I might hate all the shouting and negativity that is sometimes present at home, but I'm grateful for having them around. Even if they cannot help me to solve my problems, their presence make me feel that I'll never be alone in this forsaken world.

 

Sometimes I dream a little too much, and fall a little too hard. But whatever it is, I'm glad that I tried whatever I could, and would not regret the chances I didn't take. After all, #yolo

 

 

"Everyone knows dreams don't pay well at first, if at all."

 

"Luck is knowing you need to take risks sometimes, that you need to at least try. That you need to just move somewhere and stick it out for as long as you can. Luck is making the plan up as you go along, in hoping that the decisions you make are the right ones, but you still have to make those choices on your own. You still have to work really hard."

 

- Ella Ceron

School has got to be my biggest nemesis.

6 weeks into the semester, and I'm suffocating.

I need more space, I need more time to breathe.

So many deadlines to meet, so much work that needs to be done.

The endless 'to do' list that never seems to get shorter despite all the check marks.

What am I doing in life?

Everyday I ask myself the same question,

Am I the only one struggling to get by?

It seems like it, yet again, it doesn't.

All of us have our own troubles and worries.

And I shouldn't just be so fixated on myself.

Drama.

The endless drama that I witness.

In my face, through others, online.

It just gets more and more depressing with each new day.

And in all honesty, I'm tired.

Some days, I wish I could shut the world off for a bit so that I can breathe a little.

Some days, I wish it was a little quieter in my head.

Some days, I wish that someone could take away all these pain.

But, what is life without drama, confusion and hatred?

You know how you can sometimes try so hard, but yet stay stagnant?

Like, some people mean the world to you today, and tomorrow, *cue music* you're just somebody that I used to know.

Some days, I wish I could understand the decisions people make.

Like, the things people tell me, the things I see for myself, and my interpretation of things that come my way, makes me open my eyes to the world.

I know my interpretations are never always right, but they are, most of the time.

The things I see, are not necessarily the truth - like the truth behind that smile, the sadness, the disappointment.

Sometimes, we just see things too differently.

The things people tell me from time to time, amazes me.

Like, how can people do around living their lives this way?

I know I can be the biggest bitch, but I've finally found people who are better than I am.

*surrenders* I lost, hands down.

I know life isn't going to be easy, but I'm praying with all my might that it will go a little easier on me.

I sense myself heading towards my limits.

I know I'm going to break down soon.

But then again, God will provide - he always does, he never fails.

And so, I shall keep my faith and press on in this unfeeling world that I live in.

Enough drama on my part.

I should head to bed and stop thinking too much.

Goodnight.